Hello, pronouns. My name is Sean J Patrick Carney and I’m an entrepreneur slash influencer based off the Jefferson L stop in Bushwick. I’m here today to let you know about what amounts to a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. This is your chance to become an early adopter of an exciting fiscal investment that can literally guarantee returns. Don’t be like the guy who passed on Darius Rucker’s solo demo tape following the dissolution of Hootie and the Blowfish, kicking your own ass to hell every time you’re at the Chili’s in the United terminal at O’Hare and “Wagon Wheel” starts playing.
I’m talking about a wild and elegant, game-changing pivot with your personal finances.
Have you ever used a bank or a credit union?
Have you heard of companies like Wells Fargo, JPMorgan Chase, or Lehman Brothers?
Do you identify as an artist, writer, curator, or cultural influencer of some kind?
Let me introduce you to Bank of Ages.
Bank of Ages isn’t just some iteration, some facsimile, of what’s already out there. No, it’s a patently disruptive, artist-focused banking and financial services company that shares your same values. Plainly put, Bank of Ages is the first-ever DIY bank. The Y, of course, is me.
Unlike the big banks where you have to manage your account through an app on your cell phone, through their website on your computer, at rando ATMs, or inside of one of a dozen different identical-looking local branches, your account at Bank of Ages is in one convenient location: a shoebox underneath my bed. There’s no need to confuse yourself deciding whether you’re supposed to deposit to checking or savings, you simply decide to deposit your money into a box that originally contained a pair of Adidas Boosts, the very ones I’m wearing as I type this, given to me at Christmas in Colorado by my sisters, Quinn and Maura, in 2015.
There’s been a lot of hoopla in the lamestream media as of late about how you’re not woke if you don’t bank with a credit union. But I’m going to let you in on a little secret: credit unions are scammers. I won’t go into the boring financial details as to why they’re scammers, but take it from me, a fucking banker, that they are. Actually-woke people are divesting in huge numbers from banks and credit unions as we speak.
Bank of Ages isn’t FDIC-insured because fuck the FDIC. I don’t even know what it is, and neither do you. Besides, you can rest assured that your money isn’t going to disappear because we’re artists, and we look out for each other. There’s no way that I’d ever spend your money, except in the case where you’re interested in another financial opportunity.
Bank of Ages is prepared to invest your money into purchasing stock from CoreCivic (formerly know as Corrections Corp. of America) and Geo Group, two of the leading private prison operators in the United States. This is the aforementioned guaranteed economic return. Now, I know what you’re thinking: But I’m an indoor kid, Sean, and I actively oppose the prison industrial complex. Well, I oppose it, too.
What we’re engaging in isn’t a profiteering off of abject pain and misery, it’s a work of institutional critique. As Karl Marx famously said, “Lean in.” Our collective purchasing power, and the income that we all receive as these stocks continue to earn, serve as documentation of our very protest. Think about how angry the conservative politicians--the very ones who want to slash the funding that supports our endeavors--will be when we start making money off their favorite thing: putting people in jail. And because we’re investing ironically, our peers will be put into the awkward situation where if they critique us, it’s because they don’t understand the joke.
This week, I’m prepared to offer special perks for anyone who opens an account. Deposit at least $1,000 into your new Bank of Ages account, and not only will I follow you on with my personal Twitter, I’ll retweet something you’ve posted in the last week to my nearly 4,000 followers. Deposit $5,000, and I’ll have stock trading in your name from CoreCivic and Geo Group by the close of business the very next day.
Bank of Ages is in the business of you. Nobody said being an artist was going to be easy, but I’m here to say that it could stand to be a little easier. When you bank at Bank of Ages, being an artist is easier.
To open an account immediately, email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org and we’ll arrange a time for you to come by my house and drop off your money.